mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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