meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This house was built for laser tag.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
