I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
