I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
