So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
