I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
