Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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