Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
