first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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