I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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