I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize