Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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