Kiss
Puke
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
