I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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