He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
