He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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