i wish there were pregnant emoticons
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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