i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize