haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
