Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
