I'm drive I can fine osifer
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
