Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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