Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think your dad took our porno
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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