She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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