Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
