im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
