I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize