I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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