FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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