I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
