I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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