there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
