when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
