what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
