I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
