I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
