The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
