if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
