At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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