So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
