We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
