i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
