what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
