Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
