Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
