There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize