You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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