if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
