Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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