Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
