Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
