life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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