first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
