An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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