saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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