This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
