I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
