Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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