a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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