At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
