hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
