If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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